Wow Tons of Views - Thank you!
Thank all of you for stopping by my little corner of the internet over the past couple days! I'd love it if some of you would come out of the shadows and comment, even if all you're going to do is tell me I'm a horrible writer and that I suck. Both are true but I'd love to get a dialogue going anyway :-)
So Sunday...
H and I had a huge blow up, huge. I'm not usually a very emotional person but this fight involved me completely freaking out, shouting, slamming a sliding door, crying and shaking so hard I thought I might throw up. Fun, right? It's just this "poor me" pattern H has drove me over the edge and I let her have it when she came to the stairs, pouting, nearly crying and babbling something about if P couldn't go no one was invited. I should mention that after her initial pouting session I had texted my friend J to find out if H could come along with us. J had already let me know that there was plenty of room for one more when this blow up happened. During the fight I pointed out that both she and P were invited by way of our electronic family calendar and neither responded. I explained that this wasn't just J and I wandering around graveyards chatting. This was an event that the son of J's co-worker (who is on the historical cemetery committee for his town) organized and the graveyard tours were going to be followed up by a luncheon at his home. A headcount was needed and guess what? Without responses from P&H I assumed it was just me going so gave my headcount as 1. Not unreasonable. I also pointed out that she frequently (weekly if not more) is out with her own friends. That I am never invited and not only do I not complain about not being invited but I pick up the slack around the house. I also told her that I didn't appreciate her comment to P insinuating that I might be cheating with J was flat out wrong and extremely hurtful. There was a lot of back and fourth about how she doesn't mean most of what she does, how therapy has never worked, etc...Whatever, it was getting to be late and I needed to go meet with J, I told H to get in the car or not. I didn't care anymore. She came. It ended up being a great day with wonderful people. I took a ton of graveyard pictures and we all learned a lot about local history. H enjoyed herself too.
The drive home was pretty much silent and I was fine with that. I was completely burned out, I still am to be honest. H and I have returned to giving each other space and not talking. P didn't talk to me all day Monday either. I don't think it had anything to do with the fight H and I had Sunday, but it was still, I don't know, a cross between hurtful and "it figures." He's texted and called me today, effort is good, right?
The more I think about it, I don't see the three of us working out permanently. Does that mean I think polyamory isn't right for me? No. I think it's probably the most natural state of being for me. Just maybe not with P & H?. Like I said in my last post as much as I love P, I won't fight for him.
I'm not running away, or exiting the relationship but I don't expect this to last forever.
I'll try to think of something fun and sexy for Whatever Wednesday tomorrow but honestly I'm not in the right state of mind.
So Sunday...
H and I had a huge blow up, huge. I'm not usually a very emotional person but this fight involved me completely freaking out, shouting, slamming a sliding door, crying and shaking so hard I thought I might throw up. Fun, right? It's just this "poor me" pattern H has drove me over the edge and I let her have it when she came to the stairs, pouting, nearly crying and babbling something about if P couldn't go no one was invited. I should mention that after her initial pouting session I had texted my friend J to find out if H could come along with us. J had already let me know that there was plenty of room for one more when this blow up happened. During the fight I pointed out that both she and P were invited by way of our electronic family calendar and neither responded. I explained that this wasn't just J and I wandering around graveyards chatting. This was an event that the son of J's co-worker (who is on the historical cemetery committee for his town) organized and the graveyard tours were going to be followed up by a luncheon at his home. A headcount was needed and guess what? Without responses from P&H I assumed it was just me going so gave my headcount as 1. Not unreasonable. I also pointed out that she frequently (weekly if not more) is out with her own friends. That I am never invited and not only do I not complain about not being invited but I pick up the slack around the house. I also told her that I didn't appreciate her comment to P insinuating that I might be cheating with J was flat out wrong and extremely hurtful. There was a lot of back and fourth about how she doesn't mean most of what she does, how therapy has never worked, etc...Whatever, it was getting to be late and I needed to go meet with J, I told H to get in the car or not. I didn't care anymore. She came. It ended up being a great day with wonderful people. I took a ton of graveyard pictures and we all learned a lot about local history. H enjoyed herself too.
The drive home was pretty much silent and I was fine with that. I was completely burned out, I still am to be honest. H and I have returned to giving each other space and not talking. P didn't talk to me all day Monday either. I don't think it had anything to do with the fight H and I had Sunday, but it was still, I don't know, a cross between hurtful and "it figures." He's texted and called me today, effort is good, right?
The more I think about it, I don't see the three of us working out permanently. Does that mean I think polyamory isn't right for me? No. I think it's probably the most natural state of being for me. Just maybe not with P & H?. Like I said in my last post as much as I love P, I won't fight for him.
I'm not running away, or exiting the relationship but I don't expect this to last forever.
I'll try to think of something fun and sexy for Whatever Wednesday tomorrow but honestly I'm not in the right state of mind.
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