I Love My Friends But Question Their Life Choices...
Have you ever wondered where people's lives went wrong? K and I met in third grade have been friends ever since. She is my oldest friend and I love her without (much) question but somewhere around college (while I was home working and being mom to Orion) she started partying a little too hard. Other friends and I begged her to suggested that she cut down on the parties, booze and men so she could focus on her grades (which were dismal) or at the very least to stop leaving clubs with strangers for one night stands. She always blew us off and said she was in control of herself. Until the night she wasn't. I hate to even type this because it sounds anti-woman/femisist etc. but her assault was 100% preventable. K engaged in behaviors that would be risky for anyone (meeting men she met in online chat rooms alone, drinking, recreational drug use, going home with the men she had just met at clubs or bars, etc) in her mind being in college meant she was invincible and free. K grew up in a strict single mom home with a steady diet of stupid romances and "college life RULES!" shows and movies on TV to model herself after. Folks, please keep these types of shows/movies away from your kids, they help no one. Anyway sexual assault + police = her mom coming to get her and seeing exactly what a shambles K's life was in. Needless to say her mom was VERY unhappy and I can see why. Finding out that the 30 grand that you put into you daughters freshman year was pretty much just to give her a dorm room to crash in between parties would make any parent cranky. She was even more upset when K's college friends started to question if she had even been attacked. A few people said she was probably just mad at the guy because he wouldn't "officially" date her so she was crying rape to get back at him. When the police interviewed her roommate the roomie said K frequently brought strange men back to the room for sex. She also said that she felt uncomfortable in their room so slept with a friend next door many nights a week. Sigh. A few weeks after K filed her report another young woman came forward and said she had been attacked by the same man so he was prosecuted, they didn't ask K to speak in court. Apparently her reputation could have hurt their case. K is still mad about this some 20 years later but honestly, I'm just glad he was convicted.
You can imagine that after her taste of freedom at school coming back home to live with her restrictive mom was basically hell for her. None of those booty call guys every called her again or returned her emails. It sucked and she was very unhappy. Instead of throwing herself into therapy, work or school though she put virtually all her energy into finding a husband. She wanted to be away from her mother, have a man around to take care of her and a baby of her own because my Orion was so cute! I think it was at this point that I started questioning her decision making skills. I told her all about how hard life was as a young mom, how Ri's dad and I weren't together, how hard I worked every day and then went home to be a mom all night, how a part of me wished all I had to do was go to class. She couldn't be talked to though and took off with the first white trash jerk that showed her any kind of affection.
She was pregnant just a few months after meeting him and moved into his mothers house with him shortly thereafter. Yup his moms house. Also, I should mention that he was well into his 30's when they met (she was 19) with multiple DUIs an ex-wife and 9 year old son. YUP a real winner. He lived with his mom because he only worked under the table as a painter during the summer months. The rest of the year he was unemployed. She found out quickly that he had no intention of ever being employed full time again. His reason being that "they" took child support and alimony out of any "official" money he earned so he wasn't going to work. Classy. After she moved in (already pregnant) he told her that he expected her to be the one working and he would be the stay at home parent. Funny how that was the exact opposite of what she was planning for their life. Determined not to go home to her mother she took a job on an Alaskan cruise ship as a waitress/maid and worked on the boat until she started to show. At that point they couldn't let her sail anymore so she was laid off. She earned quite a bit of money but with a baby on the way it didn't last long. I'm the one that took her to sign up for medicare, welfare and food stamps. To this day I'm not sure if that was the right thing to have done. 18 years and two children later she's still on medicare, welfare and food stamps, plus SSI now because she was deemed "disabled." 18 YEARS of poor choices including saying she was going to put her younger sons up for adoption and then reneging both times at the last second (my heart still goes out to those poor adoptive parents.) When she refused to place her youngest son (the product of a couple week fling she had with a guy she met while at the playground with her sons) her mother kicked her out of the house (she had moved home with mom when the boyfriend got physically abusive.) She and all three kids spent a year bouncing from homeless shelter to homeless shelter until she connected with her older sons father again. After not hearing from her for about 3 months she called me to say they were all living in his mothers house (close to where I lived at the time.) She stayed there for about a year before moving back to her moms house. For the next few years she bounced between their mom's houses most recently staying at his mothers house. I think they might have to stay there for good now, her mother has sold her house and moved to a 1 bedroom. She's done.
Yesterday I took T, my friend K and her son M to the pool for the afternoon. K and I had a chance to talk about her son's recent psychological test results. All three have ODD and ADHD along with some other minor disorders. She has no idea why her boys are so messed up. None, she honestly she can't imagine. I love her but good lord, they've never had a stable environment, ever. It's funny how that can screw a person up. All I can think is that if she'd just been able to go through with the adoptions maybe the younger two boys would have had a better shot at life in general. I wish she'd see that and make changes in her life and parenting for M's sake at least. Instead of throwing her hands up and saying "oh well, he's going to end up like his brothers." But parenting classes and therapies cost money she doesn't have (and aren't covered by state insurance without a referral that she's too lazy or scared or something to get) school can only offer him so much. I'm just glad that she's planning on putting him on ADHD meds. I was reading that sometimes treating ADHD meds help curb ODD but parenting classes and therapy are what really make the difference. How to gently tell her she's being a horrible parent and push her in the right direction? Good Question...
You can imagine that after her taste of freedom at school coming back home to live with her restrictive mom was basically hell for her. None of those booty call guys every called her again or returned her emails. It sucked and she was very unhappy. Instead of throwing herself into therapy, work or school though she put virtually all her energy into finding a husband. She wanted to be away from her mother, have a man around to take care of her and a baby of her own because my Orion was so cute! I think it was at this point that I started questioning her decision making skills. I told her all about how hard life was as a young mom, how Ri's dad and I weren't together, how hard I worked every day and then went home to be a mom all night, how a part of me wished all I had to do was go to class. She couldn't be talked to though and took off with the first white trash jerk that showed her any kind of affection.
She was pregnant just a few months after meeting him and moved into his mothers house with him shortly thereafter. Yup his moms house. Also, I should mention that he was well into his 30's when they met (she was 19) with multiple DUIs an ex-wife and 9 year old son. YUP a real winner. He lived with his mom because he only worked under the table as a painter during the summer months. The rest of the year he was unemployed. She found out quickly that he had no intention of ever being employed full time again. His reason being that "they" took child support and alimony out of any "official" money he earned so he wasn't going to work. Classy. After she moved in (already pregnant) he told her that he expected her to be the one working and he would be the stay at home parent. Funny how that was the exact opposite of what she was planning for their life. Determined not to go home to her mother she took a job on an Alaskan cruise ship as a waitress/maid and worked on the boat until she started to show. At that point they couldn't let her sail anymore so she was laid off. She earned quite a bit of money but with a baby on the way it didn't last long. I'm the one that took her to sign up for medicare, welfare and food stamps. To this day I'm not sure if that was the right thing to have done. 18 years and two children later she's still on medicare, welfare and food stamps, plus SSI now because she was deemed "disabled." 18 YEARS of poor choices including saying she was going to put her younger sons up for adoption and then reneging both times at the last second (my heart still goes out to those poor adoptive parents.) When she refused to place her youngest son (the product of a couple week fling she had with a guy she met while at the playground with her sons) her mother kicked her out of the house (she had moved home with mom when the boyfriend got physically abusive.) She and all three kids spent a year bouncing from homeless shelter to homeless shelter until she connected with her older sons father again. After not hearing from her for about 3 months she called me to say they were all living in his mothers house (close to where I lived at the time.) She stayed there for about a year before moving back to her moms house. For the next few years she bounced between their mom's houses most recently staying at his mothers house. I think they might have to stay there for good now, her mother has sold her house and moved to a 1 bedroom. She's done.
Yesterday I took T, my friend K and her son M to the pool for the afternoon. K and I had a chance to talk about her son's recent psychological test results. All three have ODD and ADHD along with some other minor disorders. She has no idea why her boys are so messed up. None, she honestly she can't imagine. I love her but good lord, they've never had a stable environment, ever. It's funny how that can screw a person up. All I can think is that if she'd just been able to go through with the adoptions maybe the younger two boys would have had a better shot at life in general. I wish she'd see that and make changes in her life and parenting for M's sake at least. Instead of throwing her hands up and saying "oh well, he's going to end up like his brothers." But parenting classes and therapies cost money she doesn't have (and aren't covered by state insurance without a referral that she's too lazy or scared or something to get) school can only offer him so much. I'm just glad that she's planning on putting him on ADHD meds. I was reading that sometimes treating ADHD meds help curb ODD but parenting classes and therapy are what really make the difference. How to gently tell her she's being a horrible parent and push her in the right direction? Good Question...
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