Blogging as Therapy
It hit me recently that I blog like I would talk to my therapist. Some days I wish I still had one. She got tired of me and booted me out of therapy. Ok, not really,after 10 or so sessions she gently told me that I was ok. I had established boundaries and worked out some coping skills and didn't need a therapist anymore. I'm welcome back anytime.
I liked therapy, when I started I really thought I was losing my mind (long story, very long) having a 3rd party review all the evidence (mostly texts) and listen to me talk for an hour or so at a time then tell me I was NOT crazy was really helpful. I credit her with keeping P & I together. This blog is helping too. When I'm frustrated with life in general I come here and type away. So thank you all for reading. And for the couple comments I've gotten over the past month or so I really appreciate it. 😄 That said, I'm thinking of going back to my therapist for a few sessions. I need to figure out why I'm somehow simultaneously obsessed with and adverse to sex. I would love to have an awesome, fun, exciting, loving sex life with P. I honestly thought that's how it would be after I moved in. But he got a new job and now we work opposite shifts add in life in general and the truth is we just see each other less now than we did when I didn't live here.
At least when I came to visit sex was always somewhere in the plan for the day. Now it seems like something on the list that we'll get to when we can...but we never seem to get to it. And on the odd chance that we do, it just hasn't been as fun. More like a box that gets checked off, groceries, kids dropped off, sex had, dinner in the oven, etc. And H is usually in the room so I'm automatically on edge because I feel like I need to put on a show for her and that P is watching her reactions hoping she'll want to join in and not mine because I'm obviously already interested. Whether he's doing this or not I can't say for sure, I'm not in his head. But it seems like a pretty good guess and it's how I feel in the moment anyway. There is no relax and enjoy and that's just not even remotely how I want my sex life to be. So I say screw it and don't bother or I make excuses and do something else. He doesn't push it so I'm guessing he feels the same way. I don't want to be that couple that schedules sex, there is zero fun in that.
Maybe I need to shift how I think of this relationship? Maybe at this point we're housemates and affectionate friends but not much else? Do I broach the seeing other people question? Do I even want to fuck anyone else? I'd still love him and be here for all of them. If I say lets open that door it's open for him too. How do I feel about that? Considering he already has a wife that he can screw around with anytime anyway does it even matter who else he gets with? Is this just a rough patch and things will get better so calm my tits down?
Sigh...Like some therapy sessions, this writing session might have just added more questions than given me answers.
I liked therapy, when I started I really thought I was losing my mind (long story, very long) having a 3rd party review all the evidence (mostly texts) and listen to me talk for an hour or so at a time then tell me I was NOT crazy was really helpful. I credit her with keeping P & I together. This blog is helping too. When I'm frustrated with life in general I come here and type away. So thank you all for reading. And for the couple comments I've gotten over the past month or so I really appreciate it. 😄 That said, I'm thinking of going back to my therapist for a few sessions. I need to figure out why I'm somehow simultaneously obsessed with and adverse to sex. I would love to have an awesome, fun, exciting, loving sex life with P. I honestly thought that's how it would be after I moved in. But he got a new job and now we work opposite shifts add in life in general and the truth is we just see each other less now than we did when I didn't live here.
At least when I came to visit sex was always somewhere in the plan for the day. Now it seems like something on the list that we'll get to when we can...but we never seem to get to it. And on the odd chance that we do, it just hasn't been as fun. More like a box that gets checked off, groceries, kids dropped off, sex had, dinner in the oven, etc. And H is usually in the room so I'm automatically on edge because I feel like I need to put on a show for her and that P is watching her reactions hoping she'll want to join in and not mine because I'm obviously already interested. Whether he's doing this or not I can't say for sure, I'm not in his head. But it seems like a pretty good guess and it's how I feel in the moment anyway. There is no relax and enjoy and that's just not even remotely how I want my sex life to be. So I say screw it and don't bother or I make excuses and do something else. He doesn't push it so I'm guessing he feels the same way. I don't want to be that couple that schedules sex, there is zero fun in that.
Maybe I need to shift how I think of this relationship? Maybe at this point we're housemates and affectionate friends but not much else? Do I broach the seeing other people question? Do I even want to fuck anyone else? I'd still love him and be here for all of them. If I say lets open that door it's open for him too. How do I feel about that? Considering he already has a wife that he can screw around with anytime anyway does it even matter who else he gets with? Is this just a rough patch and things will get better so calm my tits down?
Sigh...Like some therapy sessions, this writing session might have just added more questions than given me answers.
Wait, I'm confused. Is H his wife? Gosh I can imagine that of course you'd feel self conscious if she's in the room watching when you have sex, and then you feel like you can't relax as much. Does she say anything encouraging or just stare? Could you talk to P about it? Suggest you have some couple time without H around? It doesn't sound like the situation is working out so well for you at the moment. Maybe it would be good for you to have the option to be open to meeting someone else?
ReplyDeleteYes, H is P's wife, they had an open marriage, which is how I ended up involved. I know it's confusing, but the three of us are a polyamorous threesome and generally very happy it's just the sex thing that's driving me nuts.
ReplyDeleteah I see. Well no harm trying to be honest about how you've been feeling and seeing what their reaction is. Hopefully they would be reassuring. good luck
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