I Think I Get It Now
I watched Little Girl Blue this weekend. I'm not a big Janis Joplin fan to be honest, don't get me wrong she was incredible and I can see that. I just generally don't enjoy listening to women singing. But I think I know now why so many incredible artists die so young. I think it's because they can truly only exist in their time. I don't think Janice would have survived the changes in people and society that came with the later 70's and 80's. She might have physically but emotionally I don't think she could have. I think the same applies to Morrison and Cobain too. I honestly can't picture them in any other time. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize early preventable deaths.
So I have to be honest, things aren't going well relationship-wise. I find myself less and less connected to both P&H. I haven't felt connected to H for a couple years. I can't handle her, she landed me in therapy. I'm not kidding. I think we're just too opposite to get along over the long term. She's extremely emotional and prone to spells of depression that take the joy (or any positive feeling) away from everyone around her. I could go into more but I don't think this is the right space to do that. Suffice to say I've separated from her emotionally and physically as often as possible (this is hard to do when you work and live with someone.) P was the reason I was wholeheartedly in the relationship but now that we work different shifts he's never around. I look forward to time with him on weekends but as you can imagine so does H. I don't blame her. What bothers me is that P will choose H over me every time. Logically it makes sense that he would, she is his wife but it still kinda hurts. Let me give you an example:
Sunday: I knew she was going to be having a bad day before I was fully awake. I refused to open my eyes and dozed for a while. I officially woke up about a half hour later when P got up and left the room. From the bedroom I could hear them talking. I couldn't tell what they were talking about what but I heard her voice getting more and more intense and then she burst into tears. I was wide awake at this point but refused to leave the room. I'm was not getting in the middle of whatever emotional breakdown she decided to have. But I knew I wouldn't be seeing P for pretty much the rest of the day. I thought was confirmed a few minutes later when he came in and announced that they were taking the girls to a local park because she needed to get out. What could I say? He asked what I was going to do for the day (why? how the hell do I know) and I just replied that I'd find something to do. That was enough of an answer I guess because left the room and they were gone (like gone) before I was even down the hall. I looked around the house, talked to the dogs for a few minutes then headed to the beach for the day on my own at 9:45am. I heard nothing from either of them until I got home at 4:15pm. P seemed to be trying to reach out that night but at that point why bother? I ignored him. I don't want to be an after thought and I'm sick of being ignored just because I'm strong enough to handle being ignored. I know he calls her every night from work and they text throughout the day while she and I are at work. I get a texts a few times a week. A call once in a blue moon. Can I handle that? Absolutely. Do I like it? No, no I don't. It just highlights that we do not have an equal relationship and makes me wonder how much more effort I want to put into a relationship that will never be equal and with someone that drives me up a wall most of the time. It's difficult because I have put down some deep roots with this family. I do love P, very, very much. I love the kids (as crazy as they drive me) but today I'm leaning towards I need more. I shouldn't really have to fight for attention or be the one to always initiate any kind of sex. So how to disengage? And where to go? Or do I just need to chill out and wait for things will get better again?
I just don't know.
So I have to be honest, things aren't going well relationship-wise. I find myself less and less connected to both P&H. I haven't felt connected to H for a couple years. I can't handle her, she landed me in therapy. I'm not kidding. I think we're just too opposite to get along over the long term. She's extremely emotional and prone to spells of depression that take the joy (or any positive feeling) away from everyone around her. I could go into more but I don't think this is the right space to do that. Suffice to say I've separated from her emotionally and physically as often as possible (this is hard to do when you work and live with someone.) P was the reason I was wholeheartedly in the relationship but now that we work different shifts he's never around. I look forward to time with him on weekends but as you can imagine so does H. I don't blame her. What bothers me is that P will choose H over me every time. Logically it makes sense that he would, she is his wife but it still kinda hurts. Let me give you an example:
Sunday: I knew she was going to be having a bad day before I was fully awake. I refused to open my eyes and dozed for a while. I officially woke up about a half hour later when P got up and left the room. From the bedroom I could hear them talking. I couldn't tell what they were talking about what but I heard her voice getting more and more intense and then she burst into tears. I was wide awake at this point but refused to leave the room. I'm was not getting in the middle of whatever emotional breakdown she decided to have. But I knew I wouldn't be seeing P for pretty much the rest of the day. I thought was confirmed a few minutes later when he came in and announced that they were taking the girls to a local park because she needed to get out. What could I say? He asked what I was going to do for the day (why? how the hell do I know) and I just replied that I'd find something to do. That was enough of an answer I guess because left the room and they were gone (like gone) before I was even down the hall. I looked around the house, talked to the dogs for a few minutes then headed to the beach for the day on my own at 9:45am. I heard nothing from either of them until I got home at 4:15pm. P seemed to be trying to reach out that night but at that point why bother? I ignored him. I don't want to be an after thought and I'm sick of being ignored just because I'm strong enough to handle being ignored. I know he calls her every night from work and they text throughout the day while she and I are at work. I get a texts a few times a week. A call once in a blue moon. Can I handle that? Absolutely. Do I like it? No, no I don't. It just highlights that we do not have an equal relationship and makes me wonder how much more effort I want to put into a relationship that will never be equal and with someone that drives me up a wall most of the time. It's difficult because I have put down some deep roots with this family. I do love P, very, very much. I love the kids (as crazy as they drive me) but today I'm leaning towards I need more. I shouldn't really have to fight for attention or be the one to always initiate any kind of sex. So how to disengage? And where to go? Or do I just need to chill out and wait for things will get better again?
I just don't know.
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