Goodbyes

As expected, we lost P's mom last Saturday morning. According to P's sister she passed very peacefully in her sleep around 4am. She waited until 6am to call P and his brother. I'm so glad that the whole family had congregated at the house to say goodbye Friday night. P's aunts were there and being the very Catholic people they are brought a priest with them to give her last rights. I have to say that was one of the creepiest/saddest things I have ever seen. Definitely not something that would bring me peace, I know it did nothing to help P or his siblings (it's hard to shake that Catholic childhood even if you say you have) I hope his aunts and mother found it helpful. I can't believe it's been a whole week since she passed already. Everything has been a blur for me this week so I can't imagine how P and his siblings feel. I have learned that I think we need to change how we handle final arrangements in our society though. P and his siblings had zero time to even absorb what had happened before they were faced with a million questions. The very lovely hospice nurse warned us that once she called the funeral home to come pick up her body things would move quickly. She wasn't kidding. Their mother had pre-planned most of her final arrangements so in theory all they needed to do was show up at the funeral home and sign off to disburse the funds for everything from the trust she set up with them but nothing is ever that easy, is it? For some reason they had to go through all the choices she made. An aside, why is that even an option, she made her choices when she was healthy and lucid why would anyone need to go over or update them? Then they had to pick and order flowers. While all that was going on the hospice team had sent the medical equipment company to pick up all the equipment she had needed. Luckily I had decided to stay with his niece and B at his sister's house so someone was there to let them in and show them where everything was. By the time P, his sister and her fiancee got home from the Funeral Home there was no trace of her mom's equipment. It was like she had never been there. Did I mention that all this was within about 7 hours of her death that morning? They were all still in shock. They were home for all of 20 minutes before an aunt returned and wanted to talk about the funeral lunch, additional uncles flying in and where they could stay and who should pick them up and did they call the stone memorial place to add her information to their father's tombstone? I understand that his aunts were grieving too (my god the whaling in between the chatter) and that they cope like Paul (by staying incredibly busy) but P's poor sister couldn't complete a thought never mind a sentence. I was trying to love them but I have to admit they were pissing me off a little. P, his sister and brother had just become orphans, a few minutes to just sit and stew on that might have been nice. Ok, fine orphans might seem a little strong, they are all in their late 30's and 40's but honestly I'm sure that's how it felt. Then came the wake/funeral nonsense. I do not understand it, I've tried. I tried to when my grandparents died (all four of them) it didn't make sense then and it still doesn't now. Wakes are just terrible, why do we have them?? Not only do we put our dead on display for any Tom, Dick or Harry to come look at, we line up the people closest to them, who love and miss them the most right next to them so that the Toms, Dicks, and Harry's can talk about how much they are going to miss the dead person. SERIOUSLY, what the fuck is that??? I can't think of anything worse after losing a loved one. P and his siblings were miserable, uncomfortable and constantly reminded that their mother was dead. And they had to stay there for nearly 5 hours. They were also (for some reason) separated from their spouses. I get why I wouldn't be in that line up, but H and his sister in law really should have been to provide some level of comfort and support to their husbands. Their seats were across from them, facing the coffin. It was just so wrong. Then the funeral director tried to talk P & Rui out of being pallbearers for their mother because it's not traditional. Why would he do that? They wanted to do this one last thing for their mother, who cares if it messes up their "standard" plans?? I'm glad they told the director (far more nicely than I would have) that they would be doing this one last thing for their mother. I was proud of my son for stepping up and volunteering to be a pallbearer. He looked great in the new clothes and got along well with P's cousins. I had issues with the funeral itself too but mostly because of my own prejudices, catholic ceremony conducted entirely in Portuguese that went on for far too long. At least that's what it felt like to this atheist non-Portuguese speaker. Overall it was just a crappy week that consisted of work, not dieting, not exercising and chasing P around. Did I mention that he does.not.stop.moving when he's upset? He's rearranged the house, picked new flooring, worked in the garden and generally run us all ragged non stop. It's how he copes, I get it, I just can't keep up.